5 online dating tips on writing the first message

By Juliet O

Breaking the ice – in any situation – is no easy feat. Whether you’re approaching someone at a bar, a party, or online — putting yourself out there can be an awkward and scary experience, even for those who are naturally outgoing. In general terms, though, ending up alone for the rest of your life is probably more awkward and scary than putting yourself out there. So, while it sucks to be proactive, we don’t really have a choice.

But, lucky for Zooskers, you’ll find that breaking the ice online is a lot easier and a lot less frightening than approaching someone in real life. You don’t have to deal with a crowd of people watching you, you can take a really long time thinking of what to say, and you have the assurance of knowing that the people you’re approaching are also single and open to meeting someone – after all, they’re on a dating site. With that knowledge plus the following tips in mind, you’ll realize that breaking the ice online isn’t so bad after all. In fact, you might even surprise yourself when you actually have fun doing it.

5. Don’t be nervous.

Even if your stomach is tied up into knots and you’re so nervous you can barely type, try to stay calm. Go splash some cold water on your face, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, “What do I have to lose?” Really, it’s not like the person on the other end of the message is going to publicly reject you, and you’ll never have to see this person in real life if nothing comes out of your attempt. The worst that can happen is an “I’m not interested” message, which you can quickly relegate to your Zooskbox trash. And, if you get no response at all, you can do what we do and just pretend it never happened. The ability to compartmentalize is a beautiful thing. Voila.

4. Do your homework.

Actually take the time to read someone’s date card before sending that first message. I know a lot of us are quick on the draw when it comes to messaging people who catch our eye, but it helps to actually know something about that person before you click “send”. And, from the feedback we’ve received, we know that’s exactly what your fellow Zooskers want you to do. Zoosker Elizabetta writes in our Community Forums, “Before flirting or mailing – please – read the card. Do not just look at the photo! Think: Do we have anything in common, why would she be interested in me? There is a reason she has written all that.” Damien says, “The best flirt I ever received was from a lady who wrote something that showed she had at least read my profile. In fact, I thank her to this day for her honesty and friendly reply.” Tailor-made messages, like tailor-made clothes, really do fit better. You’ll see.

3. Cool your jets.

“Cool it down,” isn’t just a lyric in one of our favorite Velvet Underground songs. It’s also basic advice when it comes to dating.  Zoosker Nathaniel elaborates, “Girls get tired of cheesy compliments like, ‘you are so beautiful, you have such beautiful eyes, I think I’m in love, I’ve died and gone to heaven, if I’m sleeping don’t wake me, I must be dreaming, let’s do it, your so hot, etc.’ Don’t use pick up lines ever. They don’t work.” The same goes for guys; everyone will just think you’re creepy if you over-do it with compliments, especially when you barely know them. Also, while it’s one thing to be tongue-in-cheek, it’s another thing to be vulgar – and sometimes it’s too easy to slip into the latter when you’re trying to be the former. The best way to approach a first message is to keep it in ‘friend’ territory. Keep things light and simple. You have plenty of time to develop things further, so be patient for now.

2. Avoid TMI

TMI – or ‘too much information’ – about yourself is a no-no on a first date, and it’s also a no-no with a first message too. Generally, when people talk too much about themselves it reveals a real problem with listening, which is a turn off. If things work out between you and your prospective match, they’ll find out everything about you in due course. There is no need to tell someone everything about your life right away. Also, keep an eye on the scale of your letter. Don’t write a novel, but don’t send a haiku either. While you should make sure you include enough text to spark someone’s interest, don’t include so much that they fall asleep while scrolling through it. And you should make sure at least some of your sentences end with the “?” sign. Asking questions in your message – as opposed to talking nonstop about yourself – is also great bait in getting a reply.

1. Spellcheck. Prease. Please. And Grammar is sexy.

Never underestimate the power of a typo-proof letter. Typos – and grammatical mistakes – are ugly blips that detract from the sincerity and sweetness of putting your feelings down on paper. Can you imagine what Sonnet 18 would be like if instead of “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day,” Shakespeare wrote instead, “Shlal I compaer the 2 a sumur’s dai?” Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May indeed. If you feel uncomfortable with the grammatical integrity of your letter, why not run a simple grammar check and spell check on it via Microsoft Word – or have someone proofread it for you – before copy and pasting it back into Zoosk? It’s not that hard, we promise. We’ve heard Zooskers complain about spelling and grammar before, so you don’t want to be one of those people getting complained about. You are a human being, not an LOLCat, so don’t write like one. Meow.

Just to give you an idea of what a good first message might look like, below is a sample first message we quickly penned as a work of example.

Hi _____. My name is _____, and I really liked what you said in your profile!

We share a lot of interests, like synchronized swimming and live action role playing games. It also appears that we have really similar music taste. Norwegian death metal is the best! What’s your favorite band? Also, I noticed in your picture that you have a pet turtle. I have a pet turtle too, named Rick! He’s thirty-five years old. Do you have any other pets? I’m a vegetarian and I love animals, and I’m happy to read that you’re a vegetarian too.

Anyway, I hope to hear back from you because you sound really interesting. Have a nice day!



See how easy that was? Even if you don’t think you’d respond to a message like that, I’m sure the pet-turtle having, Norwegian death metal loving, synchronized swimming LARPer getting that message definitely would.

21 thoughts on “5 online dating tips on writing the first message

  1. Pingback: 5 online dating tips on writing the first message « Zoosklog … | InOnlineDating.Com: Online Dating Made Easy

  2. Speaking of spell check, there is a good program Spell Check Anywhere (SpellCheckAnywhere.Com) it adds spell check to all programs. By the way, there is also grammar check there.

  3. These are definitely 5 good tips. Another one is to get yourself into a positive and confident state just prior to you writing your reply.

    Just think back to a time when you strongly felt these 2 emotions and re-live that time in your mind for a few minutes. Doing so brings those feeling of confidence and positivity back to your present moment and they will then come through in your writing – it’s a very powerful technique.

  4. Pingback: It’s my Zoosk in a box « Zoosklog – Online Dating Blog by Zoosk

  5. Pingback: Want to get noticed on Zoosk? Follow these simple tips. « Zoosklog – Online Dating Blog by Zoosk

  6. When it comes to dating, the best way to make a good impression isn’t to just “be yourself”. It is to be the best of yourself. The best “version” of yourself normally is a person who is confident in what he likes to do best. So no matter what type of person you may be, if you think you lack the courage, think again, it normally manifest itself in a different form, you just need to put yourself in the same position to take advantage of that confident image. For more tips on how you can master your self confidence and be the better man check out alpha male system .

  7. heya! look at my really neat fashion web logs i have – i want that bag! I like shopping and i like blogging about hand bags. The truth is i’m kind of a sucker for expensive bags. Whenever i walk around with my husband in nyc he’ll laugh because i’ll shout out i want that bag! . Anyways please feel free to come to my web logs and comment on i want that bag =).

  8. Successful dating is not that difficult, and it does not take much effort. It requires discipline and a willingness to engage. You really want to get the results you want from dating and being willing to be disciplined enough to get them. The success of online dating starts with knowing what you need from a partner. This is not necessarily what you want or think you need. The most important thing you need compatibility personality of a partner.

  9. Good read. I especially agree with the “Avoid TMI” thing. I used to write super long messages telling girls my life story, and I’d get maybe one response in 100. Since then I’ve shortened my messages to maybe one or two lines and have gotten much more responses (This article helped me out: http://www.daveglenn.com/2011/03/dave-glenns-guide-to-online-dating/). I think what we need to remember is that these dating sites are NOT like interviewing for a job where you need to sell yourself, but rather showing that we are comfortable with who we are and being personable.

  10. Pingback: Writing A Stand Out First Message On A Online Dating Website

  11. Hmm it seems like your blog ate my first comment (it was
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